Reflecting...

Have you ever had an experience that changes you? Just a small moment in your life that leaves you different than you were before? There have been a few in my life, but one that sticks in the front of my mind.

I forget a lot of things, but not this. I remember the weather-a warm August day in New York. It was the evening of our second day in the city. We were out looking for a park with swings for my niece. She loves to swing. My dad, brothers, sister-in-law and I walked along the waterfront where people were playing and just chillin’ on blankets. My dad said. “It’s just down the street a bit.” I knew what he was talking about and my stomach began to swirl. I hadn’t decided if I even wanted to see it-the hole, but off we went and it was out of my hands. My muscles tensed up as soon as we got closer. There is a walkway that goes right over the edge of the hole. I’m pretty sure there was a truck in the bottom, but I couldn't stop. I tried. I no longer had control of my tears and they flooded my eyes. My family stopped, but I had to keep moving-it was hard to breathe. We continued around the “building” to the front. People were gathered looking at some pictures and writing. It was a timeline. Honestly, I’m not sure what it consists of because it would have taken strength beyond what I possessed to read through it. I wish I could explain to you why I had this strong of a reaction to being at Ground Zero, but I don’t understand it myself. I stood there, in front of what used to be a building taller than I can imagine, at the place where so many human lives were lost, at the place where people, heroes in my mind, sacrificed themselves to rescue others, I stood there and cried. My body couldn’t do anything else.

For the remainder of my time in New York I was eerily aware of the massive pit just blocks away. It was always in the back of my mind. Whenever I saw a fire truck drive by with an American flag waving from the back, I had the urge to hug the fireman for what they must have seen and done. New York is a wonderful city with great shopping, parks, restaurants and of course, baseball team, but to me it is also a place full of resilient people who suffered a massive tragedy.

This is something I wrote a while ago for a writing lesson I taught. However, I'm thankful that I captured my thinking. As I walked through the seventh year since 9/11 I was struck by my own hard heart. In the past it was difficult for me to watch anything on the news, see images from that day or speak about it. I was always keenly aware of it's approach and went through the routines of that day with a heavy heart full of emotion. Today was different. Today felt like any other day with just a matter-of-fact reminder of the lives lost, and that feels almost as tragic as watching the towers crumble and trying to explain to junior high students that they are safe, when I truly did not know what to think about this horrific attack on my home soil. It is my personal hope that I will always feel for the senseless loss of lives of the day, appreciate the strength of the heroes and remember how for a moment, because of tragedy, people were pulled together rather than apart.